Back From the Brink
“Bye babe, love you,” I called to my husband as I was leaving to meet a friend. He replied in kind.
Not so long ago, I couldn’t walk out the door without an argument. For years, darkness, insecurity, and paranoia enslaved my husband which eradicated even the tiniest glimmer of joy in his life. And for so long, we didn’t know why.
His wounded, tortured soul manifested in desperate attempts to control us, shaming the kids and me for having fun, and pouting when we would go out with friends. He would even shut down attempts from us to express our feelings while subjecting us to his out-of-control rages and emotional meltdowns.
Misery and tolerance defined our marriage. Why God? It seemed as if everyone else was flourishing while we barely crawled to the next day.
In 2010, my husband had what appeared to be a stroke. It was actually a cerebral vascular event, followed by a rapid succession of migraines, nightmares, and resurrected memories of an abusive childhood.
But God.
When I look back, I’m amazed we stayed together. As a stay-at-home mom with three children, I desperately wanted my marriage and family to remain intact—to have the loving marriage and family I had dreamed of.
I also remembered the vow I made before God and man. I didn't want a divorce but I did want the misery to end. It was around this time I learned from a couple of well-known Bible teachers to pray and speak God’s Word out loud. To take God at His Word and pray His promises over my life, my marriage, and the members of my family.
I considered myself a Christian but had drifted into a crisis of faith. Was I going to act like I believed what I said I believed?
I read the Bible and prayed but did not expect God’s Word to manifest in my life. I was victorious in Christ as a believer, but I was living in defeat. We are, as C.S. Lewis says:
"…like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea."
I had ignored my invitation of “a holiday at sea” by not taking hold of what was rightfully mine as a blood-bought believer in Jesus Christ.
I learned our warfare was not against flesh and blood, but against the evil powers of the spirit world (Ephesians 6:12). The power of speaking God's Word extends beyond the physical realm and into the spiritual.
I started to pray and speak God's Word out loud over my husband, our marriage, and our children on a daily, and sometimes moment-by-moment, basis. At first, my children were perplexed, but in time thought nothing of their mom walking around praying Scripture aloud.
Eventually, my hope for the future was renewed. I also clung to what is now one of my favorite Scripture verses:
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13 NIV).
It’s not been easy, but this verse and many others keep us going. At times God’s work requires a willingness to dig deep and fight. While our friends were busy saving for retirement, we were fighting to save my husband’s life and our marriage by slogging through the seemingly impenetrable jungle of spiritual warfare.
In 2018, my husband was diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and began treatment. Since then, we’ve invested countless hours and dollars in medical care, counseling, and medication–both for him and for me–to reach where we are today.
The man I married is back. My soulmate has returned. Gone is the shattered boy—the precious innocent life beaten and abused to the brink of death. In his place stands a brave and courageous man rebuilt by the strong hands of our God who never let him go.
Do we still have difficult times? Yes, but today we stand in awe and are humbled at the work the Lord has done in and through us.
If you’re in a difficult season, a balanced, Christ-honoring approach to caring for your well-being is essential. Follow some tried and true advice:
Pray for wisdom.
Seek biblical Christian counseling.
Have a safety plan (if in an abusive situation).
Spend quality time with family and friends.
Be engaged in studying the Word with others.
Exercise and eat a healthy diet.
Make time to engage in a hobby or two.
